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How can such a small thing become such a big problem..... [Jun. 30th, 2014|12:57 am]
[Current Mood |contemplativecontemplative]

So I guess its time for my 6 monthly update on my life.  Unfortunately, its not a positive as the previous post.

I'm putting this here mostly for me, as sometimes, I do look back and use it to remember - so to those who still browse, by all means do not feel obliged to read.

I mentioned in my last post my previous health and various problems, so it seems prudent to pick it up from there, whilst I have lived with a chronic condition, I have not even contemplated suffering with something more serious, or painful or both....until last week.

For about the past 18 months or so, I started suffering with some mild lower chest pains, every so often at night which lasted no more than 4 hours and went away with some painkillers.  There did not seem a pattern to it really and whilst I was curious as to the cause, whenever I mentioned it to a GP or specialist, it was always dismissed as skin infection, bit of indigestion, maybe stress, I could not question any of the latter as it seemed difficult to diagnose because it mostly came on at night.

Then Tuesday 17th June, it came on and just did not go away, no matter what I did (which had worked in the past) it was not having it.  I dreaded this possibility but given all that has gone on recently, I was not surprised, but by Thursday evening I had definitely reached a tolerance level and I was not expecting within 15 mins of seeing my GP for him to be calling to hospital telling them to expect me.  What I was pleasantly surprised about was the GP's accurate diagnosis.

I was not too bothered by the fact it took the hospital 36 hours roughly to find evidence his diagnosis was correct, I would rather they look at all possibilities to be sure and accurately treat the condition.  What I and those around me were distressed about was their resistance at escalating the painkillers, when it was clear they were not working.   Lets just say when Morphine does not have the effect you expect, I think its reasonable to panic. Friday was a tough night and an experience I do not want to repeat.

I wanted to clarify what my version of the pain scale is;

1 - Pain is barely noticeable - heck you could mistake it for turning funny or having a stitch.
2 - Pain is present but just a touch more indication that it is that not something else.
3 - Pain is present and is noticeable if you do nothing else except concentrate on it.
4 - Pain is definitely present and at some points when you do stuff like lifting things you notice it.
5 - Pain is starting to become fairly annoying and is causing you to slow down when you do stuff - will want to take painkillers if continues.
6 - Pain is making itself known all the time now and its clear you need to do something about it - find painkillers and take them.
7 - Pain is becoming slightly debilitating, it affecting what your trying to do - looking for painkillers to take.
8 - Pain is really debilitating, you cannot do anything, your moving around trying to ease it (you are likely to get upset at this point) - if you have already taken painkillers your looking for a second set to take.
9 - Pain is extremely debilitating/bordering unbearable, your in any position which might be comfortable (clawing at the surface you are resting on is an option, similar to sobbing or crying) - If you have taken painkillers you insist on trying more.
10 - Pain in unbearable. most likely constant moving and audible sounds of distress. - If your not already on morphine by this point you should be.  

If I said my pain levels, never got below an 8 for most of Friday afternoon/evening and went between 8-9, this might put it into perspective how my Friday night went.

*For now I am going to skip to the end but may revisit*

So here I am, a week later and with confirmed diagnosis, 6 weeks to wait for an operation to remove gallbladder and on a strict diet (low fat) to avoid the above happening.  I think I am going to need determination to get through and support but am confident I can make it.
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Pain [Jul. 12th, 2013|12:31 am]
[Current Location |Uxbridge, Glebe Rd, 19]

I am feeling inspired by a friend to post. Excuse me if I ramble.


So Rich started a new job and since then our daily routine has improved, he comes back from work earlier which means I finish work earlier where possible.  We eat earlier, meaning we have more time during evenings to do things, spend time with each other and I have more time on week nights than weekends for projects, which is an odd switch.  My energy levels have improved somewhat, I can stay up slightly later and I seem to have better quality sleep.  So all this sounds really positive right? Wrong...


One thing that appears to have got worse is my health, now this could be the time of year, the heat, change in diet but one thing is certain,  I am suffering more pain in the last few weeks and it is becoming more noticable. It is not every day and it is not as severe as it has been in the past as I am not clawing at carpets convincing someone not to call an ambulance.  - that was the case about 12 years ago....


I was diagnosed with Endometriosis at 21, but suffered with it since I was 15.  There is no cure, I have had LOTS of different treatments and after 2 laproscopys, numerous pills and a mini stroke in 2008 I found 1 that works for me the mirena coil.  I am on my second one and have an appointment 1 week from now for a review. 


My concern as always is this could be the beginning of a low patch which is only going to get worse, this worry in itself makes it worse.   I have not treated myself the best over the last few weeks, had bad food etc which does affect things.  I have suffered various pain over the last 19 years I would not wish on my worst enemy, I still lrp which is surprising and those who know me well, have seen me hobbling in the attempt to not let this stop me - whicn it won't.


I just cannot help thinking for right now, I could do with a crystal ball or someone to say, its understandable how I am feeling.  I do not want anyone to tell me it will get better as it might not, people suffer a lot worse than me and I do my best not to complain or use it as a call for attention or to my advantage, what will be will be.  I wish the doctors I saw were slightly more supportive and listened to what my symptoms are even if it is not related so I can get some advice on what to do for the best.


Is there a solution, consult with others who suffer, its tough as you may hear things you do not want to, it might be the best route. I did not know how this post would end up but I am glad this is out my head, it clearly was stuck in their as its taken no effort to write.  It feels like there is not natural way to end this, but you know what, that's okay.

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Ginger [Jun. 1st, 2013|11:24 pm]

So as usual we went to the GEF on Thursday night and came back on the Monday late, having visited the Frewzles.  The GEF is never a good event for me since my Dad passed on the Thursday night before, the fact it is 8 years on does not make It any easier, just less painful.

Anyway, we got home everything appeared to be relatively normal, the cat being unimpressed but pleased to see us, the gerbils the balls of cuteness.  Tuesday was our recovery day and this involved the usual lazing around not doing a lot.  During the day, I smiled at the cuteness of Nibbles (Albino) and Ginger (samd colour as the name) as they seemed to at one point be huddled together outside their usual nest with Nibbles effectively lying over Ginger.

As I observed Ginger more later in the day, I realised she seemed quite fat, not so much in her face but her rear almost as though she was wearing clown like trousers, which frankly was not normal.  Jinx (grey) has an ear infection so we had to give her antibiotics in the evening, this usuallly involved hilarity to a certain degree as we need 4 hands, 2 to hold her, 2 to administer.

At the same time, I looked at Ginger and got ner out the cage, her breathing was laboured and she did not appear to be moving very well.  I put her on my lap on a blanket and she seemed to be moving around to a certain degree, but it was clear something was wrong.  Doing some research it looked like it could be something serious like an abdominal tumour and if this was the case, not much could be done.

We agreed that the best thing was to see how she was doing the next day, before visiting the vet.  Wednesday 29th May, I worked from home, keeping a close eye on Ginger whilst she appeared to be wanting her own space from the others,  she still ate a chocolare drop when fed and appeared to be capable of moving around.  In the afternoon however, she appeared to be struggling to breathe, visably finding it difficult to move or hold herself on her feet and at one point, Nibbles and Jinx appeared to be treating her rough.

I booked an appointment with the vet at 5.20pm and put her in the carrier case an hour early.  She did not seem to mind and more concerningly, had no appetite to chew or move around much.  At the vet, I decided to put Ginger in my hand in the waiting room, that was the point I realised she was not going to be coming home alive, she was not moving, not bolding her weight on her legs and just rested her chin on my palm.  She never moved and apeared to hardly notice when 2 other people were commenting on seeing her.   This was severly out of character.

It was not long before the vet called us in, she took one look at Ginger and her concern on her face told me what I needed to know, already fighting back the tears she grabbed my stuff and we headed into the consultation room.  The advice was genuine, euthanasia was the kindest option, there was a brief discussion about draining the fluid but it would have been futile and selfish to keep Ginger alive.  I got upset, not just because that was the advice, but the apparent suffering and struggle Ginger was coping with.  The vet allowed me to stay in the consultation room, I called Rich and we waited for him to come down.  I spoke to Mum whilst waiting and was given paperwork as we had to consider what to do with her body once she had been put to sleep.

Whilst it was difficult waiting, it was lovely having time with Ginger, she moved occasionally, but I was able to stroke her and felt like she knew I was trying to support her.  There were times in about the 30 minutes or so, that I felt it was ludicrous to consider putting her to sleep as she seemed to have some will left, this was quickly replaced with the thought of how selfish I was, when just like that, it was clear she was struggling.

Rich arrived, we spent some more time with Ginger, a form was signed and she was placed in the carried and taken into the next room.  The vet explained how Ginger would be put in an airtight container with her bedding and familiar smells, anesthetic gas was pumped into the box to put her to sleep, then she would be injected to bed the anesthetic and stop her heart.  It took longer to explain than the event itself, it could not have been a minute before the vet came in, told us Ginger went to sleep very quickly, almost as if she was ready. A few minutes more, the carry case was returned, with her little body wrapped in blue tissue paper.
We went home, and life resumed.  Ginger was never far from our thoughts.  Today, 1st June at around 6pm we buried Ginger in our garden, we spent the week preparing in our own ways, I looked up memorial stones, poems, rituals etc.  We went to the garden centre and I found Earl our spirit dragon, an appropraite stone statue to rest over the ground where Ginger would be buried.  We dug a hole (Rich did most the hard work), we got Gingers body from the carry case, saw her body for the last time, shrouded her in paper and put her in the hole.  I found a lovely prayer read it out and we took a handful of soil each and drizzles it before filling the hole in.  Earl went on top, we surrounded him with stones.

Tonight I have lit candles, insence and posted pictures of Earl.  Why am I writing all this, I am not sure, maybe I do not want to forget, maybe it wil make me feel better....after all is this not what LJ is for?

' I have loved you from the day you came into my life,
and now it is time for me to let you go.
I could not watch you suffer,
I could not see you in pain.
Now you are free.
Your body is no longer sick,
or weak, or hurting.
Now you can run with the others,
playing and hunting as wild things do.
Because I loved you,
I had to let you go.
You will live forever in my heart.'

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When did it become 2013? [Jan. 21st, 2013|12:32 am]
[Current Location |Uxbridge, Glebe Rd, ]

So looking back on LJ I did not want it to get to a year without posting, so here it is.  I cannot believe it is 2013 and my birthday has come and gone.


Time seems to speed up as you get older I am finding, I welcome other thoughts on this, I also notice my perspective changing in relation to other subjects, taking more interest in the news, thinking technology is moving on quicker than I anticipate,  being sad other aspdcts of my life are ending I.e. familiar shows, stores (Like HMV going into administration), thinking about my pension as so forth.  Does this mean I am getting old? I do not think its a good or bad thing its just....different.


So this year has started or it feels like it has failed to, rather oddly.  Not had one like this for a while, both Rich and I have been ill, not necessarily the same time but certainly from New Years Eve at least one of us has been too ill to move or function properly until very recently.  It means I already feel behind on things and never really started the year with the bang I usually do.  Hopefully the worst is over for us in this area just in time for everything to get busy again.....


Unfortunately it also means everything else has taken a back seat, hoping people are undsrstanding but I need to get my life into order and hope that happens over the next week or so.


Keeping this in perspective, obviously this is a first world problem and lots of other people have far worse problems than I, but that is what LJ is for right.

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So how is life going then.... [Feb. 29th, 2012|09:07 pm]
[Current Mood |satisfiedsatisfied]

Well as usual it has been a while posting but not as long as I have expected. 
So what have I achieved so far this year.....

1) Unfortunately, my work/life balance resolution did not go so well and have been very buys and working probably 6 day weeks for more than I intended too already this year, not to mention evenings.
2) Some of my lovely friends had children which is great to see and for one lucky lad, I have been asked to be his godmother which is very flattering and I happily accepted, as it will be nice to influence someone's life and know I do not have to foot the therapy bill later on.....in all serious very flattering and clearly had some thought put into it.  I am looking forward to making a valuable contribution.
3) Not been very good at organising things at home, like event bookings, housework and other day to day things that need doing.

Fortunately, things have got a lot better a week or so a go to the point where I did manage to organise myself and spend some time with friends which has been brilliant.

I had my appraisal at work today which frankly, went well....very well to the point where I was informed.
- I have got some bonus
- I have been nominated for a prestige employment recognition award (only a nomination, but given not one has been made in our team for a year, is good).
- We talked about development up to and including potential promotions within for the future (which was VERY surprising).

Health seems to be good, I hope I can maintain it.

I also appear to be thinking about planning things I am looking forward to like holidays and social events. 

Overall, things are generally good, not without stresses elsewhere such as family and the like, but not bad at all.....

The thing to do now is improve the areas which are not going so well, but as they say, Rome was not build in a day.  

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So its 2012 then.... [Jan. 12th, 2012|10:44 pm]
It's nice to see more people posting on here. I am not great at posting myself or responding to messages or emails. I think its because I spend so much of my tome doing it in a work capacity then I do not have motivation for doing it in an evening.

So 2012 had been alright so far, weekends ate filling up quickly to the point we need to keep some time back to continue with the garden.

This will be my 11th year at the LT looking at my history I managed to play for mostly 5 years and NPC for 6 years but given I did not play full seasons but did attend full seasons as an NPC then I have been staff for much longer than s player. Not sure if its a good or bad thing. It will be am interesting yeah and I am looking forward to working with the team.

We have owned the cat now for a year as of the 10th which is great as she had really come out of her shell and seems to have quite a personality. I love her dearly and am looking forward to seeing her having the confidence to go outside, if a little nervous.

I need to get fun plans in the diary including holidays so I have something to look forward to.

I also need to take an opportunity to try out the new camera.

Other intentions to maintain a good work/life balance and see if I can loose some more weight.which is desirable but does not feel essential given the weight I lost last year.

I would also like to buy some new clothes but finding a combination of me liking some and fitting seem to elude me.

Must see more of friends other than in the field but shall have to see how that one goes.

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That was it then....... [Jan. 3rd, 2012|12:13 am]
[Current Mood |weirdweird]

Happy New Year!

I consider myself lucky in that since 23rd December I have only worked one day, until I go back tomorrow. As always I am struggling to think exactly what I did with my time.

23- 28th Mum visited us for Christmas so its difficult to spend a lot of time doing things that just interested me. We saw lots of family on between the 24- 26th and did some shopping otherwise.
27 - 29th very very ill with a stomach bug, so I filled up with food at Christmas and promptly had a detox but not in a good way, tried to do housework when possible.
30th Work enough said.
31st - 1st Spent new year in Rugby which is becoming a habit but it was chilled not involving much alcohol (none for me) but lots of good company and setting the world to rights both the real one and LT.
2nd Visited my nephew for his birthday, housework and watched some DVD's.

Now the working week is upon me, I do not seem to be 100% better and I am concerned about how much free time I do not have up to March at present on the weekend's.  I have some new year resolutions but do not try to makeany unrealistic ones. Which include a better work/life balance.  Finding time for my own hobbies, photography, socialising, heck even cross stitch which I have seemed to not gone back to in a while.

The year is moving too fast already, especially in terms of LT deadlines and the like so its full steam ahead, hoping I can keep up......man I feel tired already.
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Christmas 2011 [Dec. 25th, 2011|10:53 pm]
Seems to have been successful and relaxed which is good, lots of lovely presents. The most exciting being a new camera SLR body a Canon EOS 60D I did not think it was possible to fall Ub love again with a camera but I did. I just need to learn how to use the functions it has which my old 1000D did not have.

I am most glad about having some time off work and more importantly not having to think about
it for more than 24 hours.

I hope everyone had a great day....

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Twice in one day..... [Dec. 21st, 2011|11:58 pm]
So we have a cat, I can talk about her until the cows come home and love her to bits......why does she not like the lovely and comfy radiator bed we bought her?

At least I got her to go on it for too many treats, I feel this maybe a work in progress and should be one of my new year resolutions to at least get her to sit on it, when its hung off the radiator.

Well night all..

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Where has 2011 gone..... [Dec. 21st, 2011|07:46 pm]
[Current Mood |contentcontent]

So as like some others have mentioned, I will attempt to post here more regularly. 

I like LJ as opposed to facebook for a few reasons in that it seems easier to write longer posts, I seem to be able to reply more on this (not sure why) and I do find it easier to use or at least keep track of (of course that might be because a lot of people have gone over the facebook).

So what is happening with me.....

My work/life balance is currently rubbish 'overworked' is a huge understatement and because I am field based it is very difficult not to come home late and continue working. This should improve in the new year but I am rubbish at the moment in doing anything like responding to emails, posting or lesiure activities on the computer because I spend all day doing this for work. 

Nothing much interesting has been happening I did more sanctioning events this winter which was nice, although my body does not like the cold so I think camping is going to be out for me if I want to have any mobility.

Health has improved this year over recent years and I managed to loose weight which is good.  Long may the health continue to improve I am grateful for it every day.

Not sure what else to say, considering making some new year resolutions to keep work/life balance at a good level, but for now off to have dinner....
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